Mourning Becomes Electric (From Tony Almeida to Kara Thrace, TV Losses Can be Surprisingly Tough)

I'm not OK.

It's been over two weeks, and I'm still... not OK. I mean, Jesus, they killed Starbuck!

Starbuck, who defined in an instant how different this new reimagined Battlestar Galactica would be, Starbuck, who as played by the fantastic Katee Sackhoff is certainly one of the stars of the ensemble, Starbuck, who dared to inhabit a gender-equal future with guts, gumption, and gorgeousness. And who just plain rocks.

Let's face it, I'm obviously one of those overly sensitive types anyway, when it comes to the lives of my best-loved TV characters. I was devastated watching Buffy kill Angel in the Season 2 finale, or seeing her swandive into her own death to save the world at the end of Season 5... I still grieve over so many of the Angel gang -- Doyle, Lilah, Cordelia, Fred, Wesley... not to mention the ragtag remnants of the crew, facing an unbeatable army as the curtain went down. I went into a full-on weeklong funk over poor Wash and Book from Firefly (meeting sudden and cruel ends in the wonderful film continuation Serenity). Shoot, even the 24 deathcount last season was especially cruel -- Michelle, Edgar, President Palmer (!), or my poor beautiful Tony Almeida. I was in such denial over that one that I still don't accept it. (Jack, CTU, etc., -- they faked it. Seriously. Don't tell me Tony's dead.) And then this season, poof went poor Curtis at Jack's own hand.

If a fictional character is as well drawn as these are, the loss can be embarrassingly keen. Shoot, I'm still not over Gary in Thirtysomething, or the cute redheaded medic in China Beach, both from back in my impressionable TV-watching college days.

I was even upset over adorable idiotic Lamb over at Veronica Mars a few weeks back, for goodness's sake, so to lose a character I love this much in a surprise ending to Battlestar Galactica's "Maelstrom" episode... well, there were tears. I was moved, devastated, and absolutely shocked. (And thrilled to be unspoiled -- I can't imagine what a bummer it would be to know this stuff in advance.)

I was in a funk the entire next day too. When my family would ask me what was up, my response, "Starbuck died!" unfortunately came across as somehow humorous. They didn't understand the magnitude of my loss.

When I first began watching the new BSG, I liked Kara Thrace (a/k/a Starbuck) in the miniseries even though I also suspected she'd get on my nerves in real life. I even liked her after she thwarted an attempt at conciliation by her commanding officer Tigh, snidely throwing his kindness back in his face. Throughout Season One, she continued along the same path, seeming to strive for carefree impudence and succeeding half the time or better, but occasionally landing on plain tired rudeness instead. She was exasperating and exhausting, her passions operatic and her abilities as wildly changeable as her moods. But she was never less than real and never less than watchable. I was mesmerized, but also thought Starbuck's disdain for assholes was ironic, since she herself was the queen of that castle most of the time. Much as I liked her, it seemed like lazy characterization to me.

But by the end of Season 1, I began to be a real convert to the cult of Starbuck. The show began to show us a character who could put her money where her mouth was, who could back up her bragging with dazzling combat skills and boundless courage. And every once in awhile, we'd see the cool intelligence behind the bravado, or the uncertainty and inner darkness she faced (again, Katee Sackhoff is an amazing actress), and the character would seem as alive and complex as any person living could be.

I began to see that the writing was actually incredibly consistent, and the more we saw of Starbuck's inner paradoxes, the more sense they made. Starbuck hated Tigh as a drunk because he was so much like she was -- an alcoholic, a loudmouth, a tough -- and a possible future. And of course, she was honor-bound to hate anyone who reminded her of herself -- so Starbuck gave the hardest times to the scrappy screwups who were so much like her -- people like Kat and Tigh. Like any other male pilot, she was free and easy with sex, although of course, being Starbuck, typically used it to push people away even at moments that were at their most intimate (which was why Lee never stood a chance).

Her answer to every question that came her way was the same: "Fight 'em til we can't." If Starbuck had had a coat of arms, it would have been emblazoned on the shield. Thanks to a horrifically abusive childhood and a monster of a mother, all Starbuck knew was how to fight, how to avoid being hit, and how to hit back. It was her strength as well as her ultimate Achilles heel.

So the oddest thing about "Maelstrom," to me, was the way it showed us a spiraling Kara with nothing but herself to fight. The curiously sympathetic Leoben who acted as her spiritual guide here got her to drop her fists, look at her life, accept her choices, and even to make peace with her monstrous mother, all evidently in order to remind her of her 'special destiny.' (And as always, we're left with more questions as Leoben is once again devil and angel, protector and captor, abuser and savior. Really disturbing stuff. Especially against that teaser that was just scorchingly hot, even if it was all kinds of wrong.) I still feel more than ever that there will be oddly consistent reasons for Leoben's actions (at least from a robot-brain standpoint), but we'll see what happens. Meanwhile, this appearance of Leoben was more along the lines of ChipSix and ChipBaltar. ChipSix always says she's "an angel of God" -- what if she isn't kidding?

And Starbuck even got to make all of her farewells, to Adama and Roslin (her kinder, quieter Galactica 'mother'), to Lee, to her friend Helo, to all of those who had loved her. And then she went out in a blaze of white fire -- she'd always been a comet -- and all we needed was the quiet devastation on Tigh's face in the CIC -- or Adama's in his cabin, later -- to know it was all real.

The Inuit believe that the Aurora is the river of torches "that light their way to heaven," so perhaps there is a dawn or rebirth ahead for Kara, and perhaps there's more meaning in that little golden figurehead she gave Adama than meets the eye.

I don't know if this is the end of Kara, although I suspect that it's definitely the end of Starbuck. I'm dying to know what's ahead, even while I've DVR'd the latest episodes -- but I've been too sad to watch quite yet. I know it's just TV, but it goes to the writing of this show -- its depth and ferocity -- that I feel like I've lost a friend. And, as with the losses of David Palmer, or Wash, or Jack Bristow, I wallowed enjoyably in the tragedy of it all for a day or two.

Battlestar Galactica is a curiously spiritual show, set in a universe both polytheistic and monotheistic, crowded with gods and goddesses, mystic visions, and heroic destinies. There will be a place at that table, with a golden goblet, for Starbuck.